Into The Light

 

Before you go on reading this post just know that it is going to be deep, I'm going to finally talk about some of the hardest parts of my short lived marriage that I had kept mostly private until now. 

I'm being vulnerable and open about this for the purpose of letting others who are going through or have gone through this know that they are not alone and someone else understands. 

Initially, I conveyed to my former partner prior to our marriage that I harbored concerns regarding our intimate life. To my knowledge, I myself had not experienced any urges, and as someone who had chosen to remain abstinent until marriage, I had never been taught that it was acceptable to have uncertainties in this aspect. 

Not knowing that we could learn and explore together without the expectation of perfection, whether in our first experience or any subsequent ones.

My former partner consistently reassured me that it was not a concern and that he would simply figure it out.

During our honeymoon, he displayed a caring and supportive demeanor towards my anxieties about the situation. However, upon our return home, when no progress had been made, he grew frustrated and revealed that he had never meant the comforting words he had spoken, expressing regret for having alleviated my worries.

He also expressed anger regarding my lack of familiarity with certain terminologies and concepts that my sheltered upbringing had left me unaware of.

We sought guidance from professionals who informed my partner that this was not an issue that could be resolved quickly; the process could take weeks, months, or even years. They advised him to exercise patience and refrain from making demands.

In the days that followed, the pressure regarding his 'needs' intensified, along with his desire for me to conceive, despite my repeated explanations that my medical condition could lead to fertility challenges and that pregnancy might not be feasible. Nevertheless, his expectations remained unchanged.

At one point, began to experience symptoms that suggested I might be pregnant and planned a special dinner to share this possibility with him, hoping it would finally bring him satisfaction.

Instead, my now ex-partner reacted with annoyance and outright dismissed the idea, leaving me devastated and utterly perplexed about where I had gone wrong.

I communicated to him my preference to keep this information private until we had confirmation, believing he could at least respect that request. To my dismay, I later discovered that he had secretly reached out to others, seeking sympathy for himself.

Underwent testing, and the results were negative. While I accepted this outcome, I couldn't shake the sadness that lingered because my body had deceived me. Eventually, I recognized that this feeling was probably linked to the pressure experienced and the fear of being blamed if we didn't receive a positive result.

No one is immune to abuse and it can tear down even the strongest people, therapy while dealing with the divorce process helped get me back to a better place with the anxiety.