"Unveiling the Dark Side: Recognizing Red Flags and Abuse in Dating and Marriage"

 

Photo Credit: @Morgan_MariePhotgraphy

Long post ahead; buckle up.

Love truly is a mysterious force, a fact I only came to understand through personal experience. I used to question why some women would stay in unhealthy relationships, oblivious to the warning signs until it was too late. Little did I know that I would find myself in a similar situation. Throughout the dating and engagement stages, there were signs that all was not well, but my perception was clouded by love. Even now, I am conflicted, wishing I had ended things earlier, yet acknowledging that this experience was necessary for me to realize that marriage is not meant for me. For instance, there was an incident where he offered to take my dog to the vet. Despite my concerns about not being there for my furry companion, he assured me that he would take good care of him. Unfortunately, I later discovered that he had simply dropped off my dog at the vet and left. One afternoon, while I was at work, I received a call from the vet, informing me that I needed to pick up my dog within 30 minutes or he would have to stay overnight. Although I was upset with my ex-partner, I chose to overlook this incident.

On a separate occasion during our engagement, he expressed a desire to buy a new car with a hefty price tag that was beyond our financial means, leading me to seek help from various individuals to dissuade him from making the purchase. Whenever we went out with family, he never seemed keen on sharing a ride with me. Throughout our dating and engagement, he frequently found himself in between jobs. Despite the warning signs, I failed to acknowledge that something was amiss. I fell victim to his deceitful tactics and overwhelming displays of affection during that time, oblivious to the fact that it was all a facade. The day prior to our wedding ceremony, as we were preparing to decorate the church, he initiated an unnecessary argument. When I didn't fully agree with his viewpoint, he became upset, spoke harshly to me, and forbade me from kissing him.

I spent the majority of the day in tears, and when I finally managed to express my emotions to him, he displayed no remorse and placed the entire blame on me. The following evening, after the ceremony, there was a significant amount of cleaning up to be done. However, without informing me, he abruptly left and went home to sleep, leaving myself and my family to handle all the work. I didn't arrive home until quite late, and he never once bothered to check if I was alright. He made no effort to assist in carrying the valuable items from the car to the apartment. Our honeymoon went smoothly, and we even had some extra time for travel due to an unexpected funeral for one of his relatives. While socializing with his family, I found it peculiar that he was dishonest and claimed to have stayed up all night in our less-than-ideal hotel room, worrying about my safety. In reality, he slept soundly while I was the one struggling to sleep. However, I chose to overlook this matter. My now-ex and I returned home a day earlier and had some spare time the following day before I had to resume work.

That's when the major issues commenced. Taking into account my limited mobility and struggle with stairs, I proposed that we clear out the backseat of his car before picking up our two dogs, in order to provide them with ample space to be comfortable. Although he was not fond of the idea, he reluctantly agreed. In an act of protest, he chose to remain outside the car and insisted that I handle the task of carrying everything up and down the stairs to the apartment on my own. Despite the pain I was experiencing, I managed to complete the task. However, my pace began to slow down. He started criticizing me for not being fast enough and urged me to pick up the speed. Following this, we proceeded to Walmart to restock our groceries. I was still upset about how the previous situation unfolded, but I recognized the importance of silently processing my emotions to avoid expressing anger. Unfortunately, my now-ex did not allow me the time I needed and continued to push me until I eventually reacted. This led to a heated argument between us in the grocery store, attracting the attention of other customers.

I felt deeply embarrassed. As time passed, the situation only deteriorated. My former partner had once again lost his job, leaving me as the sole provider. Adding to this, during our engagement, he frequently spoke about his desire to support me financially and have me stay at home without a job, a plan that was his, not mine. Instead, I would return home exhausted after a long day of work. Meanwhile, my ex would boast about sleeping all day and then criticize me for not earning enough money, suggesting that I should find a better job because the one I had was not up to his standards (the same job he had encouraged me to take during our engagement). On certain days, he would ask me to run errands after work, which I willingly did. However, as soon as I finished, he would call and demand to know why I was not home yet, questioning why I had not left work early (even though I had a fixed schedule and leaving early was uncommon). I would remind him of the errands he had requested, but he would persist in calling, asking when I would be back. Why was I taking so long?

He frequently feigned forgetfulness regarding our previous conversations, so whenever I brought up something he had said, he would deny any recollection or accuse me of twisting his words. Gradually, he reached a point where he would deliberately wait until I fell asleep, only to wake me up within half an hour to initiate an argument that could have easily waited until the next day. This pattern repeated itself almost every night. I pleaded with him to let me rest so that I could have the energy to perform well at work, but he stubbornly refused. One particular night, I experienced five panic attacks due to the relentless barrage of criticism from him. While I struggled to cope, he simply walked away and went to sleep. The situation was incredibly perplexing. As a devout Christian woman, I found myself grappling with the realization of what I had gotten myself into. I felt trapped and torn, as I had always believed that divorce was not an option. However, how could I possibly endure this? Even seeking marriage counseling proved futile; my stomach ached incessantly throughout the day. I was constantly sleep-deprived, trembling, and barely able to eat anything. The fear of returning home from work consumed me, as my now-ex continually expressed his desire to acquire weapons. I lived in constant terror, fearing that he might harm me if he followed through with his intentions.

The breaking point arrived during a discussion about finances one evening. He uttered hurtful words, claiming that I didn't deserve to own a car and that we should stop making payments for it. To make matters worse, he even threatened to use my money to prevent the monthly payment from being made. Unable to bear it any longer, the following morning he didn't feel like attending church. Sensing an opportunity, I took the laundry basket and informed him that I would complete the chore after church, implying that I wouldn't be returning home immediately. This would allow me to have a few outfits with me. Later that day, I expressed my need for space and informed him that I wouldn't be home for a few days while I sorted through my thoughts. I made it clear that I wanted no contact until I felt ready. Unfortunately, he disregarded my boundaries and bombarded me with numerous text messages, criticizing me as a wife and demanding submission. Weeks passed, and I eventually reached out to suggest counseling as a last attempt to salvage our relationship. However, he promptly informed me that he intended to file for divorce and instructed me to arrange for the retrieval of my belongings. He conveniently neglected to mention that he had changed the locks, effectively preventing me from entering without his supervision. I had no choice but to contact the apartment office to obtain another key. 

At that point, I also requested to be removed from the lease by the end of the month. Even if he hadn't initiated the divorce proceedings, deep down, I knew that returning to that toxic environment was simply not an option for me.

"The Old Testament specifically uphold the rights of abused wives. This is another implication which the church must face fair and square if it is going to rightly address domestic abuse. Deuteronomy 21 and Malachi 2 uphold the rights of women who have been mistreated by men. The message of those texts to men is: Do not mistreat your wives! And if you choose to mistreat your wife, you must let her go free! This message harmonizes perfectly with 1 Corinthians 7:15. The mistreated spouse is not under bondage, not bound morally, or spiritually, to remain married to the abuser. The oppressed spouse is free to divorce and marry another (in the Lord)." -Credit to Crying out for Justice blog.